On 2018

I began 2018 with reflecting on 2017 -- its highs and lows. Most people don't know that 17 is actually my favorite number, and as the IG memes have preached, "this is gonna be my year," said myself at a faint moment of NYE.

In retrospect, if I were to look back at 2017 ten years from now, I would still think it was an eventful year. Graduating college is first, getting a job is second, then come signing the first apartment lease, becoming financially independent..e.t.c the siege of an emerging, promising adulthood marches on.

There were definitely moments in which I felt an urge, a need, to give up. Weeks by weeks I shuffled between Amherst and Boston, in between interviews and writing, and endless sleepless nights. At times I had felt guilty of sleeping, or having fun. I didn't take naps. I didn't have time to walk to dining halls to eat. I munched on whatever I had on my backpack, like an apple, or a bag of pretzels. I worked three part time jobs, one of which I had to resign from. I graded on the bus, or the mornings of Saturday, which is my favorite time of the week. I skipped convocation, senior ball, and almost all other traditions that this 180-year-old private liberal arts is proud of.

I felt like I always should have been doing more work --- I was addicted to giving efforts, getting achievements, obsessed with the idea that I could prove and make it through.

Why bother trying so hard? Why not just give up and give in? Enjoy your youth, be with your friends, have fun at parties, smoke, get wasted, laugh, dress up, take pictures. They said.

I still think about it in 2018. How to work hard enough without missing on other equally important components of a fulfilled life? When to compromise, and when to stay firm and say no? How to be determined without being rigid? How to be ambitious without being unprepared? How to hold self esteem without being narcissistic? How to care for others without expecting anything in return? How to give and get and at the end have a balanced equity?

These are ideals that in reality are so hard to execute.

I want to start 2018 without making a to-do list like my previous years. First, setting myself to read a certain number of books is a recipe for failure. Quality books, even at small number but at propitious times, are far better than the rushing through to meet the year-end target.

So, Read slower.

I had a relationship in 2017. It was unexpected, and partially because of that, we were both unprepared. It was like a trampoline, jumping up, jumping down and eventually jumping out. Our inadequate emotional capacity leads to a premature termination because we fail to continue to nurture an infantile relationship. Falling in love is easy; staying in love is far more difficult. But I don't want to be afraid. “You can only go with loves in life.”

Being afraid of vulnerability is a sign of a deep-seated insecurity, and we often express signs of problems through behaviors. I don't want to blame unfortunate situations or experiences, but I think the past has a say to the present. My account on my parents' marriage has always made me question the existence of a genuine, long-lasting love, the one we all know of but never truly see.

So here is for 2018, let's overthrow the urge to sustain a passionate love. Rather I would like to find a companionate one - the one with whom I would like to build a story with, rather than chasing on the highs and expecting them to last. The one with potentials to change my perspectives on things, for me to want to become different for the better, and the one with a simmering start but can lead to a boiling future.

And after all I still believe, those who truly belong, will find each other again.

At last, 2018 is a year of no-turning-backs. We have a couple of, I call, reversible chances-- the opportunities for exploration and mistakes in a lifetime. But along with lessons comes a price. With each choice we fail to make right, we lose a part of an investment of time and effort. Career, relationship, friendship..., for some of these, the loss can be worth it. In the end, a loss is still a loss, and losses set us a bit further back.

I had a couple of those sacrifices, one of which was to lose a year when I came to boarding school, which means to graduate a year later. I pushed to graduate early, with that one free semester of pure exploration. A year, is a lot. I didn't think about that when I accepted the scholarship, but many of my friends can reciprocate what it feels to be older than your peer. No peer pressure! :D For the setback, then I will need to consistently make the right choices just to catch up and make up for the loss of an investment. Here is to 2018, new year, better choices.

To quote Lewis Caroll,

"My dear, here we must run

as fast as we can,

just to stay in place.

And if you wish

to go anywhere

you must run

twice as fast as that."

- "Alice in Wonderland," 1865.

Let's get rolling, 2018!